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The Dos And Don’ts Of Time TravelSo you’ve hooked electrodes and power couplings to an old-fashioned carousel in an abandoned amusement park on the outskirts of town. Or you’ve outfitted a Harley-Davidson with a flux capacitor — ...

The Dos And Don'ts Of Time Travel by JIM BEHRLE November 1, 2011 The Dos And Don’ts Of Time Travel So you’ve hooked electrodes and power couplings to an old-fashioned carousel in an abandoned amusement park on the outskirts of town. Or you’ve outfitted a Harley-Davidson with a flux capacitor — a classic. Or, my personal favorite, you’re using depleted uranium to turn the underused freight elevator in your building into a time-ship. As a soon-to-be time traveler, the last thing you want is somebody telling you “Do this!” and “Don’t do that!” You’re about to become a pirate on the open waves of the ocean of time. Good for you! It’s sure to be a wonderful adventure. One no doubt filled with romance, knowledge and treasure. But here, humbly, are a few things to keep in mind. DO go forward in time first. No matter how stable you think your time machine is, your first jump should always be into the future. It’s a mistake to visit President Lincoln on your maiden voyage. The past is loud, smelly and dangerous. And without at least one pit stop in the future, the road backwards is a million times more difficult. Imagine getting one good jump out of your device and then getting stuck in, say, 1861. You’d have to live out the rest of your life in the dark past. They didn’t even have a sun until the 1840s. Great, if you are some kind of wild history nerd. But you have no resources. You probably don’t have the right kind of money. Clothes, forget it. Even Civil War reenactors are flushed out within seconds in the past. It’s best, no matter how flushed with megalomaniacal power the creation of a time machine has made you, that you go first into the future to get all the latest updates and then start thinking about venturing into the past. The Future is Your Friend. Think of it as a great big safe house for time travelers filled with strangers who may not be thrilled to help you, but probably will point you in the right direction. After all, time traveling is no big deal there. You remember how cool you felt when you suffered under the illusion that you were the only one you knew who had the new iPhone? In the future, iPhones aren’t very cool. And time machines are a commonplace of everyday life. Like a blender or a teleporter. They’ll know how to hook you up and get you ready for your journey back in time. DO be wary of the past. In fact, it’s probably best to avoid Going Back In Time your first few trips out. As enticing an idea as it might be to track down the Buddha or watch Jesus die on the cross, let’s work up to those, okay? Aramaic isn’t exactly going to be falling off your tongue as a beginner. And you’ll find it’s the little things that will cause the misunderstandings that will get you nailed to a cross right next to your pal Jesus. They have plenty of trees to nail you to in the past; it’s no problem to add one more crazy-talking future freak to the crucifixion party. There are some things in the past you simply cannot prepare yourself for. The smell. The weird diseases. Everyone’s voice seems really squeaky for some reason. And people are really short. Also, this is probably the most surprising thing, it’s practically a 24/7 grab-ass in the past. Man, woman, child. You will get used to it, but it’s initially pretty strange. DO leave a note. The key to time travel is to always let a friend know where you are. Chances are, you will be killed thousands of times in the past and have your time machine stolen a thousand more. It’s embarrassing, but it happens to us all. Your time machine itself will work against you here — it’s tough to hide a red-and-white-striped carousel in The Real Jurassic Park. Do you want to be the time-travelling equivalent of James Franco having to chew his own arm off in order to escape the boulder in the canyon in that movie? No? Well, leave a note then. This holds true whether you’re setting off on a quest to alter the catastrophic course of history — or just taking a weekend off to hang out in the Nigerian countryside in 3 BC. Always leave a note. About where you are, what you did, what you think you changed and the changes you have to make in the future. Maybe even make appointments with your other time-traveling pals for Brunch in Paris in the ’20s. If you don’t show up they’ll probably figure you’re dead or captured and will put it on their To Do List to track you down and help. Whenever they get around to it. Which brings us to… DON’T be surprised that all your time-traveling friends are flakes. You’ll find that time travelers are world-class procrastinators. And why not, right? They’ve got all the time in the world and a million chances to get everything just right. It’s not surprising that such people would develop a leisurely sense of pace. “Oh, you have been captured by a Mongol Army? OK, I will definitely get over there after a few weeks on the beaches of Atlantis.” That kind of thing. Time travelers, although they need you to watch their backs, do not need to help you right ...